The Execution of All Things....

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, but I thin I can see a small flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.

When I first started taking my anxiety medication, I noticed an instant change for the better. I was more up than down, and I was really motivated and ready to tackle anything. Things went this way for a while, but the side effects were simply intolerable. I changed up medication, and things were still moving along grand.

Some know that one of my biggest fears is to end up like my mother. She is bipolar, and a paranoid schizophrenic. Being on medication is hard enough on me, but I know that I want to be okay. However, I've been struggling with staying on my medication. Everyone that I've explained this too believes it's as simple as making yourself take it...but it's really not. How I feel when this starts to happen is I that I feel myself slipping...while I'm on the medication. I have a nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me not to take it...that it's not going to help me...and that I don't need it...and then I stop taking it. Things are okay for a day or two and then I'm down...and I fight it and everyone else and the thoughts in my head that keep telling me that I'm not going to be anything...that I'm stuck...that I can't do it...that I really should just give it all up...and that's when I just don't care anymore.

If I didn't have people in my life who cared about me...then I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't be here. To those people, you guys know who you are, and I love you all.

It takes me a while to get back up...to pull myself out of that hole...just to be able to take that pill again...but I did, and I'm back on the level. But this scares me. I've seen this behavior before...in my mother...and each time she has tried to kill herself. Not saying that's what I'll do...but I can see how this pattern is something to be concerned about. How much longer until I stop again? What if I can't pick myself back up? This roller coaster is not fun and I can't afford to ride it anymore.

I'm the only one who can step off that ride; one step at a time.

Anyone who knows me will TOTALLY understand this..

I will covet no more....

I thought for a change I would do a happy blog. It's happy because I love hockey and I recently got some cool gear from my favorite player.

With Arms Outstretched....

My best friend and I have a weekly phone chat session...or several...but the commitment is usually once a week because living 1200 miles away from each other sucks big ones and even with the convenience of messengers, we can still manage to have a lengthy conversation. As in the last entry, I have had some issues with someone from my past that was really unhealthy for me. At the end, I said that I no longer held any sort of romantic feelings for her and that is true. After a considerable amount of reflection (and a silent cell phone) I was able to really focus in and make a very important decision.

I’m walking away.

[Insert sad walking away music from the Incredible Hulk here]

No, not a sad thing…but a necessary thing. It’s really the most obvious choice. I can’t be mean and tell her to fuck off and go her own way….but I really have no desire to really even be around her. I hope she picks her life back up and makes herself happy someday…but I can’t be there. I don’t have the energy to carry on even a friendship…everything is just…dead. I can’t tell her good luck, but I can’t tell her to fuck off either. Not because I can’t be mean….but because I have nothing left to give, not even my anger.

There will be no more returned texts or phone calls. I am not going to change my number, but I hope that my silence will be the hint.

Last night during our weekly chat, I was backed into a corner and made to tell my best friend what I wanted…and it was painful. She knows I hate it...but for some reason she is the only one that can break through my defenses. I don't believe I ever had it. I don’t believe that I will ever have it again. I don’t know if I really want it because in my reality…when I get it, I get hurt. I’m tired of having to pick up the pieces. I’m tired of being the one who cares and loves those special people in my life. I’m tired of hurting deep in my core.

I want to be loved…let me be loved….

But I can’t.

When I love someone, it’s all or nothing…and it’s all of me that gets destroyed. I am aware that there are people who love and care for me, and I for them….but I have protections up. I constantly have my guards up and ready to protect me if I have to. I push people away…and I know that someday I will puch everyone away and it’s that which scares me. Because it is then that I will really be alone.

So what is this? I am walking away from the pain, the guilt, and the destructive force that has sapped even my will to say ‘fuck off’. Am I walking towards love? Maybe halfway. I don’t even know where to start with the healing. But I’m out of the firing line…

Let me be loved, Let me be loved....

So...today was a bit of an odd day, but in retrospect I think it was one that needed to happen for several reasons. Most importantly, to figure out where I’m at in my head in terms of relationships. I have not had many, but it seems that I have had a lot of unsuccessful ones. Sad to say, my most successful relationship was with a dear girl that I adore and always will…who was married. That affair lasted for 3 years and it was the most loving relationship that I ever experienced. I know, it sounds weird to those of you who might be reading that sentence again, but you weren’t involved so you have no room to judge.

Today I went to a concert with someone who I actually started a relationship with after I moved back home. It didn’t work out, and ways were parted…but somewhere a part of me argued with myself trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. After 3 years, I was tracked down by this person who confessed to me that they had feelings for me, and was kicking herself for getting into her current situation. We talked off and on for a year, and then she made another steady appearance in my life trying to communicate her feelings for me through subtle flirtation and touches (I am really TOTALLY oblivious to that sort of communication). It came to light that there was still a deep emotional connection between the two of us and we flirted with the idea of taking it forward. There was still a hang up—she still had feelings for her on again/off again ex. Things were discussed and I took the plunge because I couldn’t stand not knowing what might have happened had things gone differently and somewhere in my niave head I thought maybe there was a chance that those feelings would win the day. Much to my dismay, I was totally wrong, and I was crushed beyond repairable belief. I had to walk away, and I did….until recently.

Through many a text message (thank god for unlimited texts) she confessed her emotional draw to me and her awareness that she had hurt me really, really badly but wanted to be friends because and I quote, “I have ALWAYS been emotionally drawn to you…and that’s why I can’t let you go out of my life…it’s not very often a sweet person like you comes in to someone’s life.”

Fucking. Story. Of. My. Life.

So I’ve sat here confused, pondering, questioning myself for the last week. Does she want to try again? Could I do that? Would it work out? Am I fucking stupid? Obviously. That little niggle of questioning crept back into my ind in a momentary moment of weakness and in my probing for answers I must admit that thought flickered for a moment. Thank fuck she said that she only wanted to be friends. She apparently doesn’t want to hurt me any more than she already has. I honestly don’t know if I could make the responsible choice.

I have a wonderful girl whom I consider my best friend that I speak with quite regularly and despite how infuriating this situation is for her to hear about, we actually managed to discuss it without the usually blow-out. Something that she said bothered me, even though it wasn’t said to bother me. I am a person who needs to feel a purpose. I need to feel wanted for it to be okay. I cannot just accept being loved. For whatever reason this has manifested in me I am sure I can point to several possible reasons, but not one of them I can solidly pinpoint to be THE reason. The suspicion that I have had was that I couldn’t just be friends with her after everything that happened. For some reason, I felt that I was more, and I guess a part of me wanted to push for that, no matter how unhealthy it was.

Today was the eye opener.

I no longer hold any attracted notions for this person, and really…I would rather have stayed home and played WoW…or even hung out with my parents. Part of me has died and doesn’t care anymore…but then there ‘s a part of me that can’t just tell her to fuck off. Maybe it’s my compassionate nature that keeps fucking me over.

So a relationship is definitely out of the question. I don’t have any needling desires to voluntarily call her up and hang out…but at the same time I am not sure if I can walk away completely quite yet. I do, however, have a bit of a firmer idea on where I stand and I have hopes that I can eventually fully move on.

I know the Monkey hopes so soon.

And then there was...

Ok, i caved.

I have a blog.