With Arms Outstretched....

My best friend and I have a weekly phone chat session...or several...but the commitment is usually once a week because living 1200 miles away from each other sucks big ones and even with the convenience of messengers, we can still manage to have a lengthy conversation. As in the last entry, I have had some issues with someone from my past that was really unhealthy for me. At the end, I said that I no longer held any sort of romantic feelings for her and that is true. After a considerable amount of reflection (and a silent cell phone) I was able to really focus in and make a very important decision.

I’m walking away.

[Insert sad walking away music from the Incredible Hulk here]

No, not a sad thing…but a necessary thing. It’s really the most obvious choice. I can’t be mean and tell her to fuck off and go her own way….but I really have no desire to really even be around her. I hope she picks her life back up and makes herself happy someday…but I can’t be there. I don’t have the energy to carry on even a friendship…everything is just…dead. I can’t tell her good luck, but I can’t tell her to fuck off either. Not because I can’t be mean….but because I have nothing left to give, not even my anger.

There will be no more returned texts or phone calls. I am not going to change my number, but I hope that my silence will be the hint.

Last night during our weekly chat, I was backed into a corner and made to tell my best friend what I wanted…and it was painful. She knows I hate it...but for some reason she is the only one that can break through my defenses. I don't believe I ever had it. I don’t believe that I will ever have it again. I don’t know if I really want it because in my reality…when I get it, I get hurt. I’m tired of having to pick up the pieces. I’m tired of being the one who cares and loves those special people in my life. I’m tired of hurting deep in my core.

I want to be loved…let me be loved….

But I can’t.

When I love someone, it’s all or nothing…and it’s all of me that gets destroyed. I am aware that there are people who love and care for me, and I for them….but I have protections up. I constantly have my guards up and ready to protect me if I have to. I push people away…and I know that someday I will puch everyone away and it’s that which scares me. Because it is then that I will really be alone.

So what is this? I am walking away from the pain, the guilt, and the destructive force that has sapped even my will to say ‘fuck off’. Am I walking towards love? Maybe halfway. I don’t even know where to start with the healing. But I’m out of the firing line…