So...today was a bit of an odd day, but in retrospect I think it was one that needed to happen for several reasons. Most importantly, to figure out where I’m at in my head in terms of relationships. I have not had many, but it seems that I have had a lot of unsuccessful ones. Sad to say, my most successful relationship was with a dear girl that I adore and always will…who was married. That affair lasted for 3 years and it was the most loving relationship that I ever experienced. I know, it sounds weird to those of you who might be reading that sentence again, but you weren’t involved so you have no room to judge.
Today I went to a concert with someone who I actually started a relationship with after I moved back home. It didn’t work out, and ways were parted…but somewhere a part of me argued with myself trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. After 3 years, I was tracked down by this person who confessed to me that they had feelings for me, and was kicking herself for getting into her current situation. We talked off and on for a year, and then she made another steady appearance in my life trying to communicate her feelings for me through subtle flirtation and touches (I am really TOTALLY oblivious to that sort of communication). It came to light that there was still a deep emotional connection between the two of us and we flirted with the idea of taking it forward. There was still a hang up—she still had feelings for her on again/off again ex. Things were discussed and I took the plunge because I couldn’t stand not knowing what might have happened had things gone differently and somewhere in my niave head I thought maybe there was a chance that those feelings would win the day. Much to my dismay, I was totally wrong, and I was crushed beyond repairable belief. I had to walk away, and I did….until recently.
Through many a text message (thank god for unlimited texts) she confessed her emotional draw to me and her awareness that she had hurt me really, really badly but wanted to be friends because and I quote, “I have ALWAYS been emotionally drawn to you…and that’s why I can’t let you go out of my life…it’s not very often a sweet person like you comes in to someone’s life.”
Fucking. Story. Of. My. Life.
So I’ve sat here confused, pondering, questioning myself for the last week. Does she want to try again? Could I do that? Would it work out? Am I fucking stupid? Obviously. That little niggle of questioning crept back into my ind in a momentary moment of weakness and in my probing for answers I must admit that thought flickered for a moment. Thank fuck she said that she only wanted to be friends. She apparently doesn’t want to hurt me any more than she already has. I honestly don’t know if I could make the responsible choice.
I have a wonderful girl whom I consider my best friend that I speak with quite regularly and despite how infuriating this situation is for her to hear about, we actually managed to discuss it without the usually blow-out. Something that she said bothered me, even though it wasn’t said to bother me. I am a person who needs to feel a purpose. I need to feel wanted for it to be okay. I cannot just accept being loved. For whatever reason this has manifested in me I am sure I can point to several possible reasons, but not one of them I can solidly pinpoint to be THE reason. The suspicion that I have had was that I couldn’t just be friends with her after everything that happened. For some reason, I felt that I was more, and I guess a part of me wanted to push for that, no matter how unhealthy it was.
Today was the eye opener.
I no longer hold any attracted notions for this person, and really…I would rather have stayed home and played WoW…or even hung out with my parents. Part of me has died and doesn’t care anymore…but then there ‘s a part of me that can’t just tell her to fuck off. Maybe it’s my compassionate nature that keeps fucking me over.
So a relationship is definitely out of the question. I don’t have any needling desires to voluntarily call her up and hang out…but at the same time I am not sure if I can walk away completely quite yet. I do, however, have a bit of a firmer idea on where I stand and I have hopes that I can eventually fully move on.
I know the Monkey hopes so soon.
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