It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, but I thin I can see a small flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.
When I first started taking my anxiety medication, I noticed an instant change for the better. I was more up than down, and I was really motivated and ready to tackle anything. Things went this way for a while, but the side effects were simply intolerable. I changed up medication, and things were still moving along grand.
Some know that one of my biggest fears is to end up like my mother. She is bipolar, and a paranoid schizophrenic. Being on medication is hard enough on me, but I know that I want to be okay. However, I've been struggling with staying on my medication. Everyone that I've explained this too believes it's as simple as making yourself take it...but it's really not. How I feel when this starts to happen is I that I feel myself slipping...while I'm on the medication. I have a nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me not to take it...that it's not going to help me...and that I don't need it...and then I stop taking it. Things are okay for a day or two and then I'm down...and I fight it and everyone else and the thoughts in my head that keep telling me that I'm not going to be anything...that I'm stuck...that I can't do it...that I really should just give it all up...and that's when I just don't care anymore.
If I didn't have people in my life who cared about me...then I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't be here. To those people, you guys know who you are, and I love you all.
It takes me a while to get back up...to pull myself out of that hole...just to be able to take that pill again...but I did, and I'm back on the level. But this scares me. I've seen this behavior before...in my mother...and each time she has tried to kill herself. Not saying that's what I'll do...but I can see how this pattern is something to be concerned about. How much longer until I stop again? What if I can't pick myself back up? This roller coaster is not fun and I can't afford to ride it anymore.
I'm the only one who can step off that ride; one step at a time.
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